Hot Yoga—Understanding if you are an Introvert or an Extrovert and Why it Matters
I am not a morning person.
On work days, my alarm clock goes off at 5 AM. I give my spirit 10 minutes to get sucked back from tripping around the universe and reluctantly pulled into my body. OK, no, I don’t actually believe that, but that’s how it feels. Waking up is hard. Sleep is an escape from the craziness of life. And my bed is so cozy. So on my days off, I am not thrilled if I have to get up before 7 AM.
I’m also not a night person. I start to get cranky around 9 PM and start to panic if I’m not in bed by ten for some quiet journaling and reading and cuddling.
I’m more a middle of the day person.
But Friday, on my day off, my alarm went off at 5 AM. Yes, on purpose. You see, I have a dear friend and co-worker named Katie. Katie’s middle name should be persistence. Katie recently discovered she has a passion for hot yoga. At 6AM. Game changer, she says. Sweating out toxic chemicals, she says. Releasing toxic emotions, she says. She’s often left an emotional puddle in her toxic sweat puddle, she says.
Katie has invited me to hot yoga like 12 times. I told her, straight up, “do you know how much exercise I’m doing right now? I’m running in the dark, in the rain, in the cold. I’m swimming. I’m riding after work in the pain cave.”
She was undeterred, she kept asking. Game changer, she said. Sweating out toxins, sweating out feelings, sitting in puddles. I told her again, and again, I don’t need more exercise in my life right now. Don’t get me wrong, I love yoga. But hot yoga? At 6 AM? I don’t think so.
And I was on day two of three twelve hour shifts in a row. If you have a nurse in your life, you know—“three in a row” is code for “I’m MIA for the next three days unless you’re delivering food to me in bed or tucking the blankets in around my body.” We’ve all done more than three in a row once in a while, but only when wearing a superhero cape. I know one nurse who works six nights straight in order to have ten days in a row off. She crazy. She’s also young. With half a century of life and over twenty years as a nurse behind me, three days in a row is a push. My coping skills require the understanding that extra sleep and solitude to follow is a given.
But Ms. Persistence—she just kept on asking. She is one of those really energetic, super smiley people and you just love her so much, you can’t hate her for it. She was practically bouncing the other day when she told me that she won a drawing at the yoga studio—a free pass for a friend for the whole month of March. She can bring a friend as many times as she wants. “And I’m going on Friday, 6 AM.” There she was—smiling, bouncing. Sigh—I stared at her, searching my soul for a reason to wake up at 5AM on my day off. Ms. Persistence stared back—smiling, bouncing. Didn’t Glennon Doyle have a transcendental hot yoga story? Maybe I need one too. Somehow I found myself saying, “Ok, ok. Pick me up.” And before I knew it, Ms. Persistence had me signed up for hot yoga on Friday, 6 AM.
The night before, after my “three in a row”, Ms. Persistence texted just as I was crawling into bed.
“Ok girl! 5:30 am I’ll be in your driveway 😊 can’t wait!”
Can’t you just see her bouncing, smiling?
“Yep, I’m planning on it.” Me—not bouncing or smiling.
Walking into the yoga studio, I immediately realized the real reason my soul was fighting the invite.
Group exercise = being surrounded by extroverts.
The teacher greeted us at the door—bouncing, smiling, 6AM. Instead of the tranquil meditation music I was expecting, GNR’s Sweet Child of Mine was blaring over the speakers. Towards the end of sweating out my toxins, while doing “just five more” ab busting boat pose crunches, the instructor yelled, “You got this! You didn’t wake up at 5AM to not kill it!”
“Damn these extroverts,” I thought. “They’ve even managed to turn yoga into an extroverted activity.”
You might be able to guess, Ms. Persistence is also an extrovert. As were, I’m guessing, most of the 6AM hot yoga-ers.
1—Introvert vs Extrovert
The concept of introvert versus extrovert has been important, dare I say crucial, for me and my relationships. You’ve probably heard of introvert/extrovert before, but do you know which you are and how to use that information?
Very few people are all “extrovert” or all “introvert.” It is a continuum, with introvert being at one end and extrovert being at the other. Most of us find ourselves somewhere in between. If you draw a line right down the middle, I am about halfway between middle and introvert. 76% introvert, according to the 16Personalities test. I identify as an introvert, but I do enjoy people (in measured doses) and I have had to learn to be fairly extroverted for my job, though it does take a toll on me. I love being with my close friends and family. And compliments to Stephen, I’d rather be with him than be alone anytime. That’s how you know an introvert really feels comfortable with you, if they’d rather be with you than be alone! That said– don’t take offense if once in a while the introvert in your life needs to be alone. That’s how they recharge their batteries!
How do I recharge my batteries? I love sipping chai tea on my porch, being home, planting succulents and flowers, cooking, reading, running, writing, being in nature. I don’t enjoy shopping (so many people!). I can go to a party, but I will want to leave early (so many people!) and I will feel drained afterwards even if I enjoyed it. I don’t like crowds (so many people!), but I do enjoy spending time one-on-one or with small groups made up of close friends and family and I am very devoted to these people. Our bonds run deep and I enjoy doing things that make their lives happier. I love making memories with them and having adventures together. I love to travel, but I also had a sign made for our wall that says, “The best thing about going away is coming home.” I am definitely a homebody. I have learned to enjoy meeting new people and have honed the ability to converse with strangers, but it isn’t easy for me. Still, I am fascinated by people and enjoy (in measured doses) learning about them–what makes them tick, the experiences that have shaped their lives.
I think we are born being introverted or extroverted. Once you learn to recognize it in other people, you can spot the traits pretty quickly, even from the earliest stages of development. Most people intuitively know where they fall on the continuum. But if you’re not sure, it’s good to take a personality test, like 16Personalities, to help you decide. Why is it important to know? Because knowing helps you understand what drains you and what recharges you. It also helps you understand and respect other people's needs, which can be especially important if your significant other or your child(ren) are at a different place on the continuum than yourself. Oftentimes in these close relationships, if one person is an introvert and the other person is an extrovert, both people end up feeling like their needs aren’t being met or respected and this can cause conflict and misunderstanding. It is also important to help your children understand because they don’t have the language or understanding to advocate for themselves yet. This can easily make them feel confused and guilty about their needs. They can spend their childhood being punished and shamed for having different needs than their parent(s) and this may affect their long term mental health and future relationships.
Generally, extroverts are the more socially acceptable personality types. They are the outgoing, talkative, social butterflies who are recharged by being with people. They enjoy parties, enjoy being the life of the party, and often have FOMO if they’re not at the party. This was my first husband. When we got married, we were young and clueless and we spent many years not understanding each other’s needs. When our first child was about eight years old, he started saying things like, “What’s wrong with her? Why does she spend so much time in her room? Do you think she is depressed? Should we get her some help?” She did spend a fair amount of time alone in her room. She would get annoyed when her extroverted brother wanted to be with her all the time. She didn’t have the language or understanding to say, “Hey lil’ bro–I love you and I will spend some time with you later, but right now I need a little time alone to recharge my batteries after being at school all day, surrounded by people.” No, unfortunately, it manifested as lashing out and screaming at him, leaving them both feeling bad. But I knew she wasn’t depressed. I understood her need to be alone. She was reading, playing with her toys, drawing, painting–recharging. When my ex-husband started saying, “what’s wrong with her?” I had a light bulb moment, realizing that she and I were both introverts. There was nothing wrong with us, we just needed time alone sometimes. I started advocating for myself and teaching my extroverted husband about an introvert’s needs. At first, it was like I was introducing him to an alien species. He was confused, determined that there was something wrong with us for needing time alone or enjoying quiet activities. But as I shared information with him, he started to understand and, like the Avatar line, was better able to say– “I see you.”
Around that time, someone gave me the book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. Cain explains introverts and their particular needs, talks about why their contribution to the world is vital and needed, and explains why the world needs both introverts and extroverts. The book helped me further understand myself and helped me advocate for myself and my daughter. Again, in our society, being extroverted is more socially acceptable, so usually it’s the introverts who need to advocate for themselves. Introverts can get labeled as shy, awkward, rude. They may struggle to make eye contact, engage in small talk, and join in group activities. They enjoy time alone–need time alone. It is important for an introvert to understand their needs and be able to explain their needs to their loved ones in a way that is not hurtful.
2—Relating to Others
It’s also important for introverts to understand that, for the sake of our friends and family (which most definitely includes some extroverts), there is a give-and-take. We can’t always live in our quiet, solitary, introverted world. It’s important to go out of our comfort zone to make sure that the extroverted people in our lives aren’t feeling shunned or lonely. I once read that for an extrovert, it is physically painful to be alone. If you don’t have the introvert/extrovert language to help your partner/child/friend understand that you sometimes need to be alone, it can surface as hurtful lashing out. If they need to be with people, epic misunderstandings and deep pain can result. For both sides.
It is also important to understand that being in any relationship means sacrificing our own needs sometimes. If you are a parent of a small child, you know all too well, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, that sacrificing your needs is part of the gig, sometimes for months or years at a time. But if you understand what fills your cup, you can better find time, even if it is just minutes here and there, to recharge. And if you understand your loved ones’ personality types and recharging needs, you can better find time, even if it is just minutes here and there, to help them recharge. When we are recharged, introvert or extrovert, we are happier, more patient, more resilient people.
We have had several humorous, enlightening conversations about this at work. Most of the younger generation can immediately say whether they are introverts or extroverts. For the older generations, they usually have to give it some thought. I can tell, amongst the older nurses, there is some hesitancy to admit to being introverted, like they feel they “should” be extroverted.
One of the nurses who had never really thought about it had an epiphany moment. I could see the light bulb turn on in her eyes. She is an extrovert and her husband is an introvert. They have a great relationship, but I could see years of little misunderstandings finally making sense. She couldn’t wait to go home and talk about it with him. Another of the nurses, younger and more familiar with the concept, chimed in and explained how she navigates the world as an introvert. Not too long after that, I went outside for lunch, scanning the tables for a quiet spot furthest from other people. I saw her sitting at a table and had a moment of panic, wondering how to not offend her because I wanted to sit alone. Then I remembered we had talked about it and thought she was probably having a moment of panic, wondering how not to offend me because she wanted to sit alone. I walked by her and said, “I’m not going to sit with you and I know you understand why.” She laughed and since then has repeated that story, anytime the introvert/extrovert conversation has come up. She always says, “I totally understood why and was so glad you didn’t sit with me!” Having to interact with people (patients and co-workers) non-stop for twelve hours is very draining for an introvert. Thirty minutes of lunchtime quiet is not adequate to recharge an introvert’s battery, but it helps and every minute is precious. When we try to explain this, the extroverts look at us with bewildered eyes. They seek out company to spend their lunchtime with–coordinating lunchtimes, eating lunch together in the break room or just staying at the nurse’s station rather than having to go sit alone somewhere.
3—Variety is the Spice of Life
Being one type or the other is not better or worse, right or wrong. They are just different–somewhat comparable to the differences between dogs and cats. We all know the stereotypes. Dogs are bouncy, eager to interact, anxious when left alone. Cats are hot and cold, interacting when they feel like it and for limited amounts of time, often finding quiet, hidden places, disappearing for hours.
None of us would like a world of all cats or all dogs. Ok, maybe some of us would, but hopefully we can all agree that it is best to have a balance of both. Additionally, not all dogs and cats fit these stereotypes and that’s the whole point!
Noone likes being put in a box or labeled. None of us are all one or the other. We are each unique. We need to understand our unique needs and tendencies. And instead of assuming everyone has the same needs as we do, it is important to understand and respect the unique needs and tendencies of our family, friends, co-workers. We need to budget our time and energy so that we can get recharged and cultivate loving relationships.
My ex-husband attributes a lot of our marital woes to our introvert/extrovert differences. There were a lot of other issues and to this day, we don’t agree on exactly what those issues were. Hence the “irreconcilable differences.” Did it contribute? Yes. Do I think an introvert and an extrovert can be happily married? Of course. I have several friend couples who are living it and making it work, Katie and her hubby, for example. But I think it helps to understand and respect each other’s differences, allowing each other to recharge in the ways that work, which usually also means leaving your own comfort zone and making sacrifices. In fact, I think that is a healthy thing.
Gratefully, Stephen and I are more compatible. He is just barely on the extroverted side of middle—54% extroverted, according to the 16Personalities test. He enjoys the party and while he doesn’t need to be the life of the party, he is able to carry that load if needed when we host a gathering. He’s actually really good at it—taking the lead, making people laugh, helping with food prep and clean up, facilitating fun games. This takes a huge burden off of me, allowing me to enjoy the atmosphere without feeling overwhelmed. His fun-loving, clever, outgoing-but-not-overbearing personality has also made it easier for our blended kiddos to feel comfortable as we meld our lives together. It has made for some really fun times with our Brady Bunch, creating a space that feels natural and easy. Stephen prefers to be with people, but he can also handle time alone. He understands my need for some quiet and seems to sense when I need to excuse myself for a bit, encouraging me to go rather than taking personal offense.
Am I glad I went to Friday, 6AM hot yoga? Yes. I adore Ms. Persistence and I value our friendship. I enjoy spending time with her. We bonded over sweating out toxins, chatting on the way there and back, and we were rewarded for our “early bird gets the worm” morning when we rounded the corner to my house and saw two gorgeous hot air balloons taking off from a nearby field with several others already higher up in the sky.
Will I go again? Probably not. After “three in a row” I pretty desperately need to brew chai tea and sip it in my nest on the porch (a super comfy hanging chair surrounded by plants and bushes). I need to wander around the quiet house, write, water my plants, go for a run, meditate, read, breathe. Otherwise, I will just get more and more depleted and not be ready to eagerly interact when my children and husband come tumbling home for the evening. I want to be excited to see them and have energy to spend time with them. So, I need to respect my particular mechanisms of recharging.
Will Katie go again? Heck ya (something she would say). Three times a week. And this–feeling the energy of the group, being with people, getting pumped up by the words of an encouraging instructor–will recharge her battery.
We are all different. And that is okay, dare I say–it is crucial–to keep the balance of our yin and yang, dog and cat, introvert and extrovert world.
