Ending the Tug of War with Ourselves—Part Two—10 Steps to Stop Dieting and Lose Weight
Crossroads
When you are in a place of being stuck and it manifests as dysfunctional eating, you are at a crossroads with what to do. There is no shortage of people offering solutions. And now, with the Internet being the main source of information, algorithms and AI immediately start inundating us with whatever we type in the search bar or say out loud. So, which road to take? When body image and eating are the issues, people are usually drawn down the diet road. The promises are great and many, often like a get rich quick scheme. It usually is a get rich quick scheme…for the person selling the diet! I went down that road enough times to learn the hard way that it had a lot of potholes and dead ends and always brought me back to where I started–overweight, frustrated, and loathing myself.
You may feel frustrated because you wanted a list of ways to change what you are eating so that you can lose weight. Where is the Five Easy Steps to Weight Loss post?? Deep breaths! There will be posts focused on nutrition, fitness, and health. But, before you dive headfirst into those posts, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. It is important to decide if your struggles with weight stem from a dysfunctional relationship with food or if you’ve just gotten into some self defeating habits, or both. If you simply eat too much and a lot of what you eat is high in sugar, cheap oils, and processed foods, you might be able to start with making some changes in nutrition and eating habits. Still, I would add a caution. Even if you don’t have disordered eating related to childhood trauma, jumping on the diet rollercoaster could propel you into dysfunctional eating. If you are using food to cope or you think you might have an eating disorder, putting weight loss first is putting the cart before the horse. And if you put the cart before the horse, you aren’t going to make much progress with your weight or with your peace of mind. You are going to stay overweight and stuck, just as if you are sitting in a cart feeling frustrated that you aren’t going anywhere, while the horse is wandering the field behind you, munching on the grass.
In my mid twenties, I decided I wanted to try a different road. It took years for all the pieces to come together, to really sink in and help me get unstuck. But the road has been smoother and the journey has been healing. I didn’t have someone hand me a list of what to do. But I have found that life tends to deliver what we are seeking. And I was seeking peace of mind. So I was led to things that helped me find that.
Martha Beck said:
“When we struggle for things in a state of desperation, they don’t come to us. Nothing works when it is misaligned. But when we return to a state of peace, the things we have ordered can finally reach us. It boils down to this: peace is your home. Integrity is the way to it and everything you long for will meet you there.”
People often struggle with weight loss in a state of desperation and I agree with Martha. When you struggle with it in a state of desperation, it doesn’t usually come or, if it does, it is usually temporary. But when we return to a state of peace, the horse is well aligned in front of the cart and it is more likely weight loss will naturally follow and be more permanent. The “integrity” part is doing the work that needs to be done in order to return to a state of peace.
In a nutshell, here are the things that helped me do the work and return to a state of peace:
Intuitive Eating
Therapy
Meditation
Journaling
Adopting a health focused mindset versus a weight focused mindset
Stop counting, start living
Using positive language
Gratitude
Appreciating the wisdom that comes with age
Opening your mind to the possibilities
1—Intuitive eating is focused on listening to your body’s hunger and satiation cues and differentiating these from stress, anxiety, tiredness, trauma, diet culture, and all the other factors that skew our relationship with food. This topic deserves it’s own blog post. But there are many books, online resources, practitioners, and other avenues for learning about intuitive eating. Personally, I have greatly benefited from Geneen Roth’s work. I have not met her, but I once commented on an Instagram post of hers and she “liked” it! What I said in the comment was this–it is amazing that someone you have never met can have such a big impact on your life. I thanked her for making her journey something that helped other people, myself included. Her books, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and Women, Food, and God have incredibly practical, healing steps to help with–just what the title says–breaking free from emotional eating. She provides a roadmap out of disordered eating, a template for peace of mind. She also has workshops, an email newsletter, and is active on social media.
2—Finding a good therapist can be invaluable. Note, I said a “good” therapist. Or perhaps I should say, find a therapist that is a good fit for you. If it’s not working, move on. Not all therapists specialize in disordered eating and not every therapist will click with every client. I had a few “one and done” visits with therapists. But the ones that were a good fit helped me tremendously. They are trained to help you see dysfunctional thought patterns, resolve trauma, and get unstuck. They can help change and widen your perspective and provide alternative coping skills. Some are trained to facilitate complementary therapies that can accelerate healing.
3—Meditation is not new, but it was perhaps a little taboo in years gone by. No longer. It is now mainstream and well studied, which means we better understand why it helps. Many of the issues that plague us are simmering at a subconscious level, like how just the tip of the iceberg is above the water (the conscious mind) and there is a vast, monolithic portion below (the subconscious). It is very hard to access the subconscious. Progress, though not impossible, can be slow going with talk therapy alone.
Meditation (and also other therapies like Neurofeedback, EMDR, tapping, etc) can act like a catalyst, speeding up the process of healing and helping calm the activity of the brain at a deeper level. Studies show that meditation can lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduce anxiety, and improve sleep. If practiced regularly, the calmer brain activity that is achieved during meditation can carry through the day, improving our ability to think clearly and cope more effectively.
Victor E. Frankl said:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
If you are an overeater, for whatever reason, you know that there is very little space between stimulus (the drive to eat) and response (the act of eating). You may find that regular meditation can help you widen the space between stimulus and response. That little breath of space can be the difference between experiencing a trigger that makes you want to eat and actually acting on the impulse to eat. One small success in disrupting the negative loop can grow, little by little, into a positive cycle that eventually becomes your new normal. Don’t make it complicated–there is a flavor for every preference nowadays from animated beginner meditation on Netflix to meditation apps and online classes. And it doesn’t need to take hours and hours of your day. Even a few minutes of quiet reflection away from your smartphone, laptop, television, people, or other distractions can help.
4—Journaling can be a great way to start doing some inexpensive self reflection. It can be a simple notebook and pen. If something triggers you, write about it. Sometimes the simple act of reflecting on why you felt the way you felt or reacted the way you reacted can create a healing awareness that makes it so you aren’t as easily triggered in the future. Journaling can also be a healing alternative to emotional eating. When you are creating new habits, it isn’t usually effective to just stop a behavior. Rather, try to replace it with a healthier behavior. So instead of eating to numb feelings, try writing about what you are feeling. Or when you use food to cope, you can journal afterwards about what you were feeling, how the food affected what you were feeling, and ideas for alternative ways to navigate the situation next time.
I have a co-worker who had a very difficult childhood. He was placed in the foster care system and grew up mostly in group homes. When he turned 18, he joined the military and served two deployments. After he finished his military service, he realized that he had been avoiding his issues and it was creating turmoil in his life. He decided that every time something triggered him, whether it was a scene from a movie or something someone said, he would write about it in a journal. He said, “I went down every rabbit hole to analyze why I was triggered and it really helped me heal.”
Geneen Roth has several prompts in her books that she asks you to journal about. I have filled many journals with answers to her prompts and with reflections on my triggers, how I reacted, and ways I could make a better choice next time. Like my co-worker, it has been an important tool in my healing journey.
~Melanie