Existential Crises—6 Ways to Find Your Why

Early Learning

I started playing the cello when I was five years old. My mother is a gifted cello teacher and she has rarely missed a day of practicing, which means the deep, lusty sounds that echo from the belly of old wood and strings were amongst the first sounds my fetal ears heard. The vibrations and intonation are part of the fiber of my being. At best I was decent, but I didn’t love the hours and hours and hours of practicing that are required for excellence and I had no desire to make it into a profession. Nevertheless, because I learned it as a child, I can literally pick it up after not touching it for a year and still sound decent. I can still remember passages from songs that I learned as a child. I don’t have to think about how to hold my bow, how to hold my posture. I just know. 

In contrast, my mother has occasionally taken on an adult student who is learning cello for the first time. I have heard them play. I have watched their progress. Some of them have music backgrounds and that helps, but it is slow going. I’m rusty, but because I learned as a child, I will always have a huge advantage that most adults will have to work hard to match when they are learning for the first time. 

Same goes, I am gleaning, for swimming. 

Unfortunately, I did not participate in sports as a kid. Remember the cello teacher mother? She was driving us to cello camps and orchestra practice, not swim practice or cross country meets. I’m not regretful. My natural talents are more suited to the arts–singing, theater, cello. I was actually good at those things. Sports? Not so much. Just the other day, I tried to throw something to my son and he missed catching it, not because he is a bad catch, but because it was such a bad throw. 

While there are several technique points that can be fine tuned with cycling and running, most of us have a basic foundation with these from childhood. Most of us spent hours and hours and hours on our bikes as kids and most of us preferred to run rather than walk just because we could! But even if you spent hours in the pool, splashing around, it is not the same as learning to swim. Swimming is a skill akin to learning to play an instrument. So now follows the existential crisis–

Why am I trying to learn to swim? Cycling and running, I enjoy. I know some people love swimming, but for me it has been a necessary evil, right up there with visiting the dentist and my yearly exam at the gynecologist. Good for me? Yes. Things I dread from the moment I make the appointment until I walk out? Yes. It’s the same for swimming. The dread begins the moment I book the lane and ends when the scalding shower attempts to erase the memory of it from my body. Honestly, there is so much to dislike. There’s the getting cold and wet. And cold. There’s the crazy racoon tan line around my eyes, the goggle marks that last for hours, the lingering parfum de chlorine, the water in every orifice. I am resisting the urge to google “the dangers of drinking pool water” and don’t even get me started on lake water! You don’t need a microscope to see that you are swallowing all manner of undesirables. On top of all this, I am simply not good at it. 

My experience at triathlons is this–people who learned to swim well as children can pretty much go swim without having swam for years and still be decent at it. They don’t have to think about how to stroke or hold their posture. They just know. And adults who are learning to swim for the first time have to work hard to catch up. If I am wrong here, please someone tell me, because “tri-ing” to swim is thrusting me into incredible frustration and I am seriously questioning my sanity for even attempting it. I have had several existential crises over this in the last couple weeks, including refusing to get in the water one night and on another night getting out and stomping away from the pool after only swimming for a half hour. Which begs the next question–

Why even try? Why would an adult even try to learn the cello or swim or do anything that they may never be really good at even if they practice for hours and hours and hours? 

Finding Your Why

Finding your “why” is basically the answer to every existential crisis, from why you train for a race to why you get up every day at all. And everything in between. Finding your “why” before you enter an existential crisis can prevent the crisis from happening at all. And at the very least, if you have thought long and hard about why you do the things you do (wake up at the crack of dawn to grind out a job you don’t love to pay for the food to feed the children you do love or wake up at the crack of dawn to care for an ailing parent or to fight through depression or addiction or health challenges or poverty or obesity or grief or the trappings of excess)—knowing your “why” can help you push through the hardest moments and existential crises, day after day after day. And over the years, knowing your “why” and having it carry you through crises can transform the threads of what you thought were mundane moments into the intricate, stunning tapestry of a beautiful, well-lived life.

How to find your “why”:

  1. Think about it. I know that sounds simple, perhaps assumed. I suppose most people have a sense of their “why”, but really thinking about it–defining it, fleshing it out–can help make it easier to push through when times get hard. Or, conversely, sometimes we are doing things that are not right for us and really thinking through our “why” can give us the courage to make a long overdue change. 

  2. Journal about it. I have heard that writing down our goals is far more powerful than just trying to work it out in our heads. I have found this to be true. Writing my thoughts down helps me to organize them, make them more concrete, see through holes in my own logic, and make a plan. I have also heard that writing down our goals and dreams is a step towards making them happen. Ideas start in our minds. Writing them down can be the next step towards manifesting them. Having an inspirational journal always helps get the ideas flowing!

  3. Talk to a loved one about it. Again, sometimes just trying to work out our deep thoughts in our heads is not the most effective strategy. When we ruminate on things, we often get distracted, go in circles, fail to make progress. But when you write about it or talk to someone about it, you are more likely to stay on track with getting from wishy-washy to a concrete vision. Besides that, the people closest to you want you to be happy. If they don’t know your hopes and dreams and the “whys” behind them, they can’t help support your vision. If your loved one is a partner or spouse, having them on board with your “why” or having a common “why” can be a powerful catalyst for creating positive change. 

  4. Use Mantras. When we are questioning our “why” or feeling discouraged, our self talk often takes a negative turn. You may not even realize that you have fallen into a negative loop in your head. Curtail negative thoughts and self-talk with positive mantras. A few ideas– “I can do this!” “Good things are happening for me.” “I am grateful for…” Say them out loud and put them on repeat. Personally, I am currently repeating, as often as possible, “I love swimming, I love swimming, I love swimming.” 

  5. Listen to gurus. One benefit of the internet is that we now have access to gurus on every subject. Some of them are not qualified, so exercise caution. But there is also a lot of really good information being presented by some very qualified people. By utilizing these gurus, you can gain skills, inspiration, guidance, life advice, and information that can change your life, or at least get you through another swim session without crying. The Tower 26 podcast, a Southern California based swim company, has been a game changer for me. This article, Learning to Love the Swim, helped me realize that I am not the first person to feel this way and that there is hope for me. You can always count on a good TedTalk to get you through an existential crisis. And–spoiler alert–my mother is working on launching an online music lesson site next year! 

  6. Create reminders. Is providing for your kids the reason you grind out your job even though you’d rather be sailing the Caribbean? Put a favorite picture of them near the bathroom mirror where you can smile back at them while you brush your teeth to leave for work whilst they sleep in their cozy beds. Wear a special piece of jewelry to work that they gave you or that you bought to remind yourself of them. Are you going through a difficult time that has you questioning everything? Find any small thing that reminds you of your “why” or brings you comfort. You can place a healing crystal or a “worry stone” in your pocket. Put a picture of your loved ones or beautiful scenery as your screensaver on your phone. Keep a thank you note that someone has written to you where you can read it often. If you are religious, place meaningful pictures and quotes in places where you see them frequently. Have you set a goal that is pushing the limits of what you thought was possible? Put the list of your “whys”, inspirational pictures, and quotes where you can see them everyday. I’m ordering these today!

Resilience

I have questioned my reasons for setting an Ironman goal so many times. I have always been an “I can do anything I put my mind to” person, but this is next level. And it often seems superfluous to focus my time on swimming (a seemingly impossible task), cycling (up to 7 hours some days), and running (after cycling? WT#@&?!) when I could be cleaning, organizing my garage, pulling weeds, solving world hunger or at the very least, making sure my kids have a healthy sack lunch for school (why does this feel as hard as solving world hunger sometimes??). 

I have thought long and hard about my “why” and I will list a few of them, but I think that there is one, singular “why” at the heart of every “why.” It is the answer for every existential crisis, the solution to every problem. 

Resilience.

Resilience is the answer–whether we are doing something to become more resilient or because we are able to weather challenges and bounce back because of the resilience we have developed. I recently listened to podcast episode 245 of We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle in which Abby Wamback (soccer legend) said, “With extreme sport and having to push your body, you have to make up this whole different narrative.” The guest, Andrea Gibson (author and Colorado’s poet laureate) replied, “I think that there is something about doing that kind of thing that actually teaches you emotional self resilience.” 

Resilience Through Fitness

There are lots of ways to develop resilience (meditation, positive outlook, healthy relationships, healthy diet, clean living, quality sleep, etc), but I have really come to believe that physical fitness is one of them. Being physically fit strengthens your immune system so that you don’t get sick as often or so that you bounce back faster if you do get sick or injured. Being fit gives you more energy and makes it easier to do your job, whether it is because you need physical strength for your occupation or because you have a desk job and need to balance out the inactivity by being active outside of work. Maintaining fitness as we age is especially important because decreased strength, balance, and coordination can lead to an increased chance of falls and injury, leading causes of disability and death amongst seniors. Physical activity can improve brain function, weight management, and reduce your risk for cardiovascular disease, stroke, and diabetes. Also, learning a new skill is good for your brain, especially as you age. I believe that practicing the cello everyday has helped keep my 82-year-old mother sharp and mentally agile. It has helped keep her upper body stronger and improve her posture. 

Finding My Why

I need to learn to swim long distances because I signed up for a triathlon. Why do I sign up for races? Because having a race on the calendar keeps me accountable and gets me out the door on days when I would otherwise replace my workout with one of the other million things I need to do every day (clean, organize, solve world hunger/pack lunches for my kids). Why do I want to stay accountable with my working out? Because working out makes me feel good. It supplies me with happy brain chemicals, it makes me physically and mentally stronger so that I can do everything else better.  I have more energy and can keep up with my kids. And according to Garmin, it’s reducing my fitness age to eight years below my chronological age. It is increasing my resilience–physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Signing up for the race with Stephen has been a fun way for us to spend time together and given him an opportunity to coach me through an existential crisis! I’m happy to report that he did an amazing job and having him listen and encourage me through difficult moments has brought us closer. You know what else? It is a little superfluous. And in a world where I could be decluttering my garage or organizing my drawers or obsessing over myriad world problems, what am I going to remember in ten years? I won’t remember if my drawers were organized. I will remember that at the turn of my half century mark, I trained to become an Ironman. Superfluous? I think not. 

While I didn’t love the hours and hours and hours of practicing cello, I actually enjoy cycling and running (I love swimming, I love swimming, I love swimming). Yes, for hours and hours and hours. There is something about it that resonates for me. I came to learn this about myself as an adult and I am so glad that I did. It started with a 5K in 1995 in which my only goal was to not be last. I wasn’t last (Not that there's anything wrong with being last! Shocker–I was the last woman to finish the swim at last year’s Lake Perris Olympic Triathlon) and I went on to run many more races from 5Ks to marathons. I was never the best or fastest, but I do believe it contributed to my resilience as I birthed and raised four children, weathered illness and stress, worked a physically demanding job, and persevered through the ups and downs of life. It also provided hours of free therapy with my running buddies who became some of my closest friends. 

Stephen was an athlete as a teen, but he got busy with work and parenting and life and found himself out of shape and overweight when he signed up for his first Ironman. He discovered as an adult that he has a passion for cycling and that he loves the challenge and camaraderie of training for a big race. He was inspired to get started by his father and brothers, who had signed up for an Ironman. Eventually, Stephen and his father and all four of his siblings did an Ironman together, setting a Guinness Book of World Records for most blood relatives to finish an Ironman race together!

Life is Short

Perhaps there is something new that you could learn that resonates with you. Swimming, painting, acting, cooking, cello anyone? I know a great teacher! My mother says, “It is important to stay open and childlike as an adult learning something for the first time and to incorporate fun into the learning. I enjoy working with adults and I know of a professional cellist who started at age 26.” You may end up finding a new passion and who knows? You might even be good at it! Did you know that Alan Rickman (Snape from Harry Potter) didn’t get his first movie role until he was 46? Nelson Mandela became president at 76 and Julia Child learned to cook later in life and hosted her first show at age 50?! You just never know what can happen if you push yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new! Why? Why not?! Life is short, eat dessert first. Wait, no–that is a different blog post. But seriously–life is short. Why not learn a new skill or start working on that goal that has been in the back of your mind forever? Or sign up for a race! It is a great way to keep your fitness on track, set and accomplish a goal, and find a new community of fit, like-minded people. You might think, “I can’t run a race or do a triathlon. I don’t look like those people.” Trust me, there are all shapes, sizes, walks of life, and levels of ability at these races. There are people who look just like you and who also started at ground zero. One of my favorite things about doing a race is looking around at everyone at the starting line. The excitement and nervousness is palpable. And if you look into the eyes of the people around you, it will make you want to cry. 99% of them are normal people like you and me. They are not there to win. Every one of them has a story and in that moment, they are wearing their hearts on their sleeves. You can see the pain and the heartbreak. You can feel the strength and–you guessed it–the resilience. It shines from their faces like the sunrise on a clear morning after a storm–shiny and hopeful and proud and holding all the promise that–

Life is about second chances. Every day, every moment, every interaction, every breath is an opportunity to begin again. 

Sign up for a race in your area and continue to read our blog for inspiration on living a healthy, resilient life!


Sources

Atwood, Meredith. “Learning To Love The Swim: Advice for the adult-onset swimmer.” Outside. 30 Jul. 2015 https://www.triathlete.com/training/getting-started/learning-to-love-the-swim/ Accessed 3 Oct. 2023.

“Benefits of Physical Activity.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. ttps://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/basics/pa-health/index.htm#:~:text=Regular%20physical%20activity%20is%20one,ability%20to%20do%20everyday%20activities. Accessed 5 Oct. 2023.

Pelinski da Silveira, Matheus. “Physical exercise as a tool to help the immune system against COVID-19: an integrative review of the current literature.” NIH: National Library of Medicine. 29 Jul. 2020. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7387807/#:~:text=The%20practice%20of%20physical%20activities,immune%20system%20for%20COVID%2D19. Accessed 5 Oct. 2023.

Shirley Leanos, MA, Esra Kürüm, PhD, Carla M Strickland-Hughes, PhD, Annie S Ditta, PhD, Gianhu Nguyen, BA, Miranda Felix, BA, Hara Yum, BA, George W Rebok, PhD, Rachel. “The Impact of Learning Multiple Real-World Skills on Cognitive Abilities and Functional Independence in Healthy Older Adults.” The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, Volume 76, Issue 1, January 2021. https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/78/8/1305/7160864 Accessed 5 Oct. 2023.

Soong, Kelyn. “How exercise can help you build resilience at any age.” The Washington Post. 3 Feb. 2023. https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/02/03/building-resilience-exercise-stress/ Accessed 5 Oct. 2023.

“The Power of Writing Down Your Goals: Evidence from Multiple Studies.” OAK Journal. 8 Feb. 2023. https://oakjournal.com/blogs/resources/the-power-of-writing-down-your-goals-evidence-from-multiple-studies#:~:text=The%20study%20found%20that%20writing,verbally%20expressing%20them%20to%20others. Accessed 5 Oct. 2023.

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