Month of Love–Ode to Friends—7 Ways to Cultivate Friendship
What are you Selling?
Stephen and I both have an innate distrust of salespeople and anything akin to them. Sure, there are salespeople who have integrity. But in our experience, they are the exceptions and it is difficult to discern them from the majority who are out to sell you their product using any tactic, sans scruples. We were watching Ted Lasso the other day, the episode where Ted expresses his distrust of therapists because they are getting paid to listen, which in Ted’s mind negates their ability to care.
“Fist bump, Ted,” Stephen said to the TV.
Spoiler alert–Ted goes on to realize that just because someone is getting paid to listen and be there, including Stephen’s job as a teacher and my job as a nurse, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Stephen cares about his students and athletes. I care about my patients. I’ve had a couple therapists who I knew cared about me. And there are salespeople who are honest and well-meaning.
Still, it can be hard to know who to trust. Even seeing Ted Lasso open up to a therapist hasn’t convinced Stephen on that one. Trust is a serious thing. It takes time, experience, consistency, honesty.
Enter, friendship.
What makes friendship so important? It is one of the few relationships in life that is less about expectations (family members) or ulterior motives (anyone wanting our money) and more about unconditional, low drama, mutually beneficial support. No friendship is perfect and some can certainly turn toxic, especially if you and/or the friend are highly dysfunctional people. But ideally, we all have one, two, or a few of the true blue friendships in our lives, the kind that transcend blood and survive this roller coaster ride called life.
I am often heard saying, “My therapist said…” and I will give a plug for therapists here–they are trained in how to respond to help us change our perspectives and cope more effectively. However, I am even more often heard quoting something meaningful a friend said that sustained me through a dark and dreary night.
Lone Runner
I used to stubbornly insist that I was a lone runner. I would see people running with a partner or a group and say, “Not for me. I run alone.” As an introvert, running was my quiet time, a moment to recharge, solitude for gathering my thoughts. Besides, I was slow. I didn’t like feeling pressured or winded trying to keep up with another person. Some years ago, my (now ex) husband set me up with a running buddy.
“I met a neighbor, she just started running,” he said to me one day after we’d moved into a new home. “I told her you run and said you guys should go running together sometime.”
“What??” I said, panic rising up my chest. “Why did you say that? I don’t want a running partner. I run alone.”
“Oh,” he stammered, completely mystified. Being the extrovert that he is, it took years for him to understand why anyone would ever, under any circumstance, want to be alone.
The damage was done. When I met her, I did not have the courage to tell her that I run alone. Before I knew it, we had set up a meeting time and place to run together. Reluctantly, I showed up. Thank God.
Her name is Stephanie. She is also a nurse, as are all but one of my besties. But that friend is a bad ass chef with a wicked sense of humor, and she’s married to a nurse so she gets us.
Stephanie and I ended up running hundreds of miles together. Knowing she was going to be waiting for me got me out of bed on many a cold morning when I otherwise would have hit snooze and pulled the covers over my head. We ran and laughed, ran and cried, ran and talked and talked and talked. We ran through her brother dying, my miscarriage, and mutual heartbreak over kids and husbands and parents and siblings. It was hours of free therapy and she got into my heart step by hard-earned step. There is hardly a word that comes out of her mouth that doesn’t make you laugh and more than once, I had to stop running because I was laughing too hard to breathe and run at the same time. She became one of my most loyal defenders, loving me through the breakdown of my marriage and cheerleading me through creating a more authentic life.
In that same neighborhood, I developed friendships with MaryLee (also a nurse) and Julie (the chef). We started going to dinners together every few months and it was feminine friendship magic from the first moment. We often had to be kicked out of the restaurant, hours after our plates had been cleared from the table, because they were closing. The combination of Julie’s and Stephanie’s senses of humor, MaryLee’s tender heart, and all our combined wisdom and life experiences made for kindred spirit alchemy at its finest.
Work It Out
I have found similar friendships at work. Nurses are a unique and endearing blend of tough and tender, clever and hardworking, devoted and loyal. As in most emotionally charged, high stakes professions with long shifts, bonds can form quick, run deep, and last a lifetime. We choose to spend time together outside of work and get to know each other’s families. We come to understand the complicated dynamics of each other’s lives. We get into each other’s hearts step by hard-earned step.
Reflections on Friendship
My sisters from other mothers have been a lifeline of support to me and during this month of love, I have been reflecting on the value of friendship. What makes for a lasting, symbiotic friendship? This is surely not an exhaustive list and I will not be citing references at the bottom. It is simply my Month of Love reflection on my friendships. Feel free to add your own reflections on what makes for a great friendship in the comments section below. Here are a few of my thoughts–
Sometimes you just need to be heard. Sometimes you say the right thing, sometimes not. My friends are not trained therapists, nor am I. I often second guess things I say to my friends when they are in crisis, wondering if I said the wrong thing. The obvious thing here is, did I listen? Did I hear them? Did I feel like they were listening? Did I feel like they heard me? Cultivating the ability to really listen and see through to the heart of the issue is probably more important than what you say. Most of us know the answer to our problems in our hearts already. Sometimes we just need to say it out loud and have it be heard by another person.
Sometimes a small gesture goes a long way. It can be planned or it can be spontaneous. It can be a note, a card, a hug, a sincere compliment, a smile. Once when I was having a bad day, Katie (Ms Persistence) stopped me in the hallway at work, wrapped me in her arms, and prayed for me right then and there, visitors walking by and all. It was a bold move, totally Ms Persistence, and I love that she had the courage and insight to do it. It was a little thing, but it did help, and as they say–sometimes it’s the little things.
Sometimes a dose of humor is just what the doctor ordered. I tend to be a serious person. I am amazed by people who can spin any situation into a moment of laughter. I have been lucky to know many of these people, including now being married to one–it is also a great quality in a marriage partner. I have tried to cultivate this skill and have found it to be a useful tool at work and in parenting, marriage, and friendships. I love a good cry, a good heartfelt conversation. I appreciate someone who will listen and I try to be a good listener for other people. But our friends know us better than anyone and are often able to good-naturedly point out our idiosyncrasies. When done in the right moment and with tactful humor, it can diffuse a lot of tension and help us to see a situation more light-heartedly. Someone with a good sense of humor can change the mood, lighten the atmosphere, cut through the tension, create bonds. Sometimes, a good laugh is more healing than the most expensive psychotherapy. As the saying goes, laughter is the best medicine.
Sometimes it just clicks. Have you ever met someone and there’s just something about them that clicks? There’s this intangible, special bond right from the start, like you’ve always known them? I call it finding a kindred spirit. You can’t force it, it’s just there and all you can do is be in awe and be grateful you got to experience it.
Sometimes you have to say sorry. You are not perfect and neither is your friend. In any close relationship, there is bound to be misunderstandings, hurt feelings, jealousy. Remember– sometimes we all say the wrong thing. If you are working towards being a highly functional human, you have to learn to say sorry. Caveat–sometimes you have to end friendships that are toxic. I know, I already said that. But it’s worth saying again. There are some seriously dysfunctional people in this world and while some are willing and able to change, some are not. It is okay to discern which are those people and end relationships that are not healthy. That said, if you did or said something regrettable in a relationship that you value, gather your courage, eat some humble pie, and apologize without justifying what you said or did. Sometimes that means letting go of your pride. It isn’t easy, but it is healing. If you are on the receiving end of that sincere apology, do your best to receive it with grace and let go of the hurt so that the friendship can continue unfettered.
Sometimes that friend is family. Sometimes a friendship runs so deep that they are like family. Key word–like. Family ties bind us to people in a way that creates a bond that is hard to match in time, experience, and shared history. Oftentimes, because of negative experiences, family relationships are a struggle. Maintaining healthy family ties requires maturity, forgiveness, grace, and improving our own dysfunctional traits. That sense of humor? Insert here please!
But when it is possible for family members to also be our closest friends, it is a beautiful thing. I’ve heard the saying–I don’t need a therapist, I have a sister. I’ll vouch for that! Also, I have loved cultivating friendships with my children as they’ve grown into adulthood and can say they are some of my most treasured kindred spirits. And Stephen–my love–you are my best friend. You check the boxes of kindred spirit, trusted confidant, dependable supporter, cheerleader, and you have used your sweet sense of humor to infuse joy into our blended family in a way that makes everything easier.
Sometimes it takes time. I have made several friendships at work that I likely would not have made outside of having to spend twelve hours a day together, years on end. Many of these friendships are with people who are very different from me. They have very different personalities, backgrounds, spiritual beliefs, and political opinions. But over time, we get to know each other. We see each other on good days and bad days and are often sounding boards for each other just because we are the one present when their emotional pot boiled over. And guess what? Despite all our differences, I have discovered that we have many of the same hopes and dreams for ourselves and our families and we all need these common things–friendship, support, and love.
Succulent Love
When Stephen and I got married, one of these work friends, Rachel, collected money and bought us a three tiered fountain for my rose garden. She knew I had been looking, without success, for a used one online. She and a couple other friends came to my house on the morning of our wedding and set it up while I was at the hairdresser. By the light of moon and flashlight, while we were on our honeymoon, Katie and Ruth artistically filled it with succulent cuttings from several of their own gardens, each one like little piece of their hearts. I was overcome when I saw it. That was two years ago and it has blossomed and grown, slow and steady, like all good friendships do, the roots weaving together over the years, creating a complex and thriving society of succulents. After holding me up through my divorce, my friends were happy for my happiness and the succulent fountain is a celebration of that. I’ll close on that thought–true friends are happy for our happiness. Plain and simple. Be that friend and look for that quality in people you choose for friends. If you’ve got that, you probably can’t go wrong.
~Melanie