19 Do’s and Don’ts from a Newborn Nurse—So You’re Having a Baby! — KickKaasLife

If you’re soon to have a baby, you may have already perused books or online resources for tips on getting ready. Hopefully you have taken a birthing and/or breastfeeding class, checked off your supplies list, gotten the nursery ready, and attended your prenatal visits. Between having four kiddos of my own and being a mother/baby/NICU nurse for most of my career, I have a few additional thoughts for you to consider.

—Do—

1. Eat Fat

Fortunately, we are not living in the ‘90’s anymore. Having lived through the low-fat diet era, I can attest to the pitfalls. We now know that healthy fats are important and this is especially true during pregnancy and the postpartum stage. Heard of “pregnancy brain?” Here’s the thing–towards the end of your pregnancy and during the first year of life, your baby’s brain is growing really fast. The neurons in the brain are coated in an insulating layer of fat, which is very important for healthy brain development.

Where does the baby get that fat to grow a healthy brain? While you are pregnant and if you breastfeed, the baby is dependent on what you are eating to get those healthy fats. If you aren’t eating enough healthy fats, the fetus will pull directly from your own brain’s supply of insulating fat and this can leave you depleted. Hence–”pregnancy brain”. And while we still don’t understand all the complicated factors involved in postpartum depression, there is evidence that deficiencies in Omega 3 fatty acids may be a contributor.

You’ve heard the saying, “You are what you eat.” That is more true than people want to admit and when you are expecting, it applies to the new life you are creating as well as maintaining your own health. When it comes to brain health during and after pregnancy, include healthy fats as part of a clean, well-balanced diet for the sake of both you and baby. Healthy fats for pregnant and postpartum mamas include salmon, flax seeds (oil or meal), chia seeds, walnuts, olive oil, avocados, most nuts and seeds, and eggs. You can also take an Omega 3 supplement, just do your research and make sure it is high quality. Raw meat is not recommended while you are pregnant. Also, fish that is high in mercury is not recommended while you are pregnant or breastfeeding.

2. Pick a Pediatrician

The staff will expect that you have the name of a pediatrician who you will be taking your newborn to within 1-2 days of discharge from the hospital. It is one of the first questions they will ask you because they will need to write it on some of the paperwork for the infant and will likely want you to have an appointment made before you leave. It is easier if you have done your research before you get to the hospital. Ask other parents in your area who they recommend, look up reviews, see if they have weekend hours. You will thank yourself if you pick someone close to home. It’s not fun to have to drive an hour for a doctor’s appointment when you have a newborn fussing in the back seat, your breasts are sweaty and leaking, and feeding time is always just around the corner. This can be especially true if you or baby are feeling unwell or extra tired.

3. Get Waxy

Getting waxed is totally optional and the staff will not judge you either way. It is expensive (and painful!). So don’t stress if you can’t afford it or you just aren’t interested. Very few women used to wax ahead of time, so it never really occurred to me that there were benefits. But in recent years, it has become more common and I will say, it makes things a little easier. It is easier to clean up your peri area after delivery. I would imagine it makes stitching easier for the doctor, if needed. And if you end up having a C-section, they will shave you anyway. If there is an emergency and you have to be rushed back to the operating room, shaving you up will be one less thing they have to do whilst working to quickly deliver the baby.

4. Bring Some Basics

The hospital will likely provide a pack of diapers and wipes, a baby hat, peri pads and a squirt bottle for mama. But you will be expected to have a car seat that is not expired and that has all its parts, an outfit for going home, and a baby blanket. Beyond that, there are innumerable options. You can spend a lot of money preparing for baby’s arrival, but it is not necessary. Keep it simple. That said, here are some additional items that might make your life easier—
Nipple butter–something natural is nice
Long phone charging cord for your phone–6-8 feet will make it so that you can reach your phone from bed while it is plugged into the outlet
Toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, hair bands, deodorant, a bathrobe, and a favorite pillow if you are particular about comfort
Extras—I’ve seen partners hauling up labor balls, body pillows, and suitcases of supplies. You do you, boo. It is a time to do what you need to do to maximize comfort for everyone. But you can also keep it simple. Don’t break the bank or stress about not having every gadget and accessory. Honestly, a lot of it ends up going by the wayside, only to be subbed out by good old fashioned basics.

5. Put Away Your “To Do” List

When I had my first baby, I clearly remember feeling extremely frustrated that I could no longer get through my daily to-do list. I see this frustration on the faces of new parents all the time. My advice? Let. It. Go. I know, I know. I love a tidy house and a neatly checked off to-do list as much as anyone. But guess what? You likely won’t ever get it all done again, at least not for the foreseeable future. If you brood over everything that is not in it’s place or not checked off the list, you might replace your baby bliss with burnout and miss all the sweet moments that require you to sit down and relax. If there are things that absolutely need to get done, ask for help. Partners, grandparents, siblings, friends–they want to help. Let them! And I don’t mean let them “help” by holding the baby. Let them hold the baby, then let them go get your groceries, pick up the house, mow the lawn, bring dinner, do the dishes. And those toilets? Let them go for now. In twenty years, are you going to remember that your toilets were sparkly clean or that you sat and held your baby for an extra half hour. Ok, let’s be honest–you might not remember either, but holding your baby is good for you and good for baby. You are setting the stage for healthy development and important bonding. And your baby won’t want to be held forever. Before you know it, they will be a busy-body toddler who doesn’t want to sit still for two minutes. Blink and they will be moody, monosyllabic teenagers who will only give out side-angled half hugs. Can you tell which stage I’m in? I know it feels like you’ll never sleep through the night again, but this too shall pass. Soak it up.

6. Learn to Swaddle

One of the most frequently asked questions I get from new moms and dads is, “Can you show me how to swaddle my baby?” Most newborns love to be tightly swaddled (View two swaddling methods in the video demonstration below). In the womb, your baby was in very tight quarters, with boundaries all around to make them feel cozy and safe. When they are born, it can be very upsetting to their nervous systems to not have those cozy boundaries.

You can see it when they are unswaddled–they flail their arms and cry, which is upsetting for them and everyone around them. There are many ways to swaddle a newborn. There are also swaddle blankets you can buy that make swaddling more simple, like the Halo Sleepsack Swaddle. Recently I saw a slightly different product that I loved–the Kinrose Swaddle Blanket Sleep Sack. It positions the baby’s hands up near their heads, which babies love, but keeps their hands covered so they can’t scratch themselves, which parents love. It is a zipper design, which the parents said they liked because the Velcro in other swaddlers makes a lot of noise when you undo it and can startle a baby. Whichever method or product you decide to use, check with your pediatrician to make sure it is approved for safe sleep.

7. Hold Your Baby

In days gone by, there was a philosophy that you could “spoil your baby” by holding them too much. Well meaning grandparents sometimes still believe this and guilt new parents with this outdated belief. I have heard grandparents say, “Don’t hold that baby so much. You’ll spoil them,” and I have seen new parents question their instinct to hold their distressed infant because they have heard their family or friends say such things.

Experts now agree that you cannot spoil a baby. According to neonatologist and bonding expert Dr. Raylene Phillips, the task in the first year of life is to develop trust. She explains to parents that when their baby expresses a need through crying or fussing (their way of communicating), the caregivers meet their need. What do they need? They need their diaper changed when it is soiled, they need to be fed when they are hungry, and they need to be held and comforted so that they feel safe and loved. Yes, feeling safe and loved is a basic human need, just like being kept clean and fed. Feeling safe and loved is a vital part of your child’s healthy growth and development. In the second year of life, your toddler will let you know they are ready to learn independence.

Holding your newborn is especially important in the first hours of life when they are transitioning from womb to world. If all is well with your newborn, the hospital staff should encourage you to put baby skin-to-skin. Your body temperature, breathing, and heartbeat will not only provide for early bonding, it will also help regulate the baby’s body temperature, breathing, and heartbeat and will facilitate a successful first breastfeeding session.

In the first few weeks of life, you will learn your baby’s cues, but here are some hints. When your baby starts to fuss, it is a good habit to run down a mental checklist. First, check to see if they need a diaper change. Second, feed them if they are showing feeding cues like rooting, sucking, or mouthing anything that comes near their face. If their diaper is clean and their tummy is full, they may just want to be cuddled. So, find a comfy chair and cuddle away!

8. Trust That You Are Strong Enough

When I was pregnant with my first child, I took a natural childbirthing class with the intent to have an unmedicated birth. My (now ex) husband went with me to one of the last prenatal visits. We were discussing my plan to have an unmedicated birth and the hubs asked, “If it gets too hard, she can get the epidural, right?” The nurse midwife looked pointedly at me and said, “It will get too hard. If you want an unmedicated birth, you have to decide right now that you can do it.” Her words resonated in my soul and I knew deep down that I could do it. I went on to have four children, all unmedicated.

Her words have come back to my mind many times since then, during all sorts of challenges, when I have needed to draw on that inner strength. You have to decide right now that you can do it. Even if you get an epidural, you still have to fit a watermelon through an opening the size of a lemon. Getting a c-section also requires a lot of courage and determination, especially if you had a long, exhausting labor first, have to deal with a scary emergency delivery, or have a difficult recovery. However it plays out, having a baby requires you to find your inner strength. Do not doubt yourself. You can do it.

At one recent delivery I was helping with, the mother became discouraged while pushing. She started to panic, breathe shallowly, and say, “I can’t do this. It’s too hard.” We told her to slow her breathing and to gather her strength between contractions. We told her start saying, “I can do this.” We told her that she was strong enough. She was able to focus her strength and have a successful delivery. Your body and mind will respond better to calm, slow breathing and to positive thoughts and words. “I can do this.” “I am strong enough.” Say these phrases over and over to yourself and draw on your inner strength. It is there.

—Don’t—

1. Don’t Get Your Nails Done

Puh-leeease don’t get fake nails. I’ll refrain from ranting about all the reasons I don’t agree with acrylic nails, except for this one point. Having a baby is a special occasion, but it is NOT the time to get long, artificial nails! And don’t think to yourself, “I’m going to get my nails done for the baby shower and I’ll take them off before I have the baby.” Nope. Guaranteed you’ll go into labor the next day and be Edward Scissorhands-ing your newborn. There’s not much that annoys me more than handing a mom her newborn and watching her clumsily attempt to latch the baby on her breast with two inch nails precariously positioned near her newborn’s eyeballs. Imagine someone saying, “Here’s two sets of chopsticks. I want you to use one set of chopsticks to maneuver your breast towards your baby’s face and use the other set to hold your baby’s head whilst trying to latch the baby on your nipple.” It’s not pretty. And I just love (said sarcastically) the look of bewilderment when I tell a lavishly fingernailed new mom that her baby needs a diaper change. She looks, perplexed, at her fingernails and then looks, helplessly, up at me. Ya. Shoulda thought that through a little better.

Also, artificial nails are notorious for harboring germs. Even diligent handwashing won’t get in the crevices well enough. Babies are born with immature immune systems, so clean nails and hands will prevent problems like cellulitis, staph infections, eye infections, umbilical cord infections, and respiratory infections. You also need to have clean hands and nails to prevent breast infections (mastitis) for yourself.

2. Don’t Get a Boob Job

If you want to reconstruct your body, please wait until after you have kids. While it is still possible to successfully breastfeed after a breast augmentation, why take a chance? If anything happens with the integrity of your nipple, if they remove breast tissue (a reduction), if ducts are severed, if you develop Breast Implant Illness–all these things could negatively impact your ability to be successful at breastfeeding. Having a lift is not advised if you want to breastfeed in the future. Also, your breasts can change dramatically with pregnancy and breastfeeding, perhaps altering the appearance you were trying to achieve in the first place.

3. Don’t Pierce Your Nipples

It is also still possible to successfully breastfeed after a nipple piercing. And again, why take a chance? Needless to say, you will have to remove the bling before you breastfeed unless you want to make a visit to the Emergency Department to report that your baby swallowed your nipple ring. Besides that, the holes can ooze puss when you start producing breast milk. Yuck.

4. Don’t Cut Calories

Being pregnant and breastfeeding is not a permission slip to eat whatever you want. Eating a healthy, well balanced diet is crucial for you and baby’s growth and development. Research the best ways to eat for growing a human and staying healthy yourself and work hard to get enough of all the important nutrients.

After you deliver, it doesn’t mean it is time to start cutting calories. If you want to breastfeed, you will still be eating for two until either baby starts eating food (at around six months) or you transition to formula. This does not mean you won’t slim down. For most women, breastfeeding can help with weight loss even if you are still eating for two. But if you are breastfeeding and you start reducing calories, it can reduce your milk supply.

5. Don’t Obsess About Your Body

Just because you delivered your baby, it does not mean you will be back to your pre-pregnancy body quite yet. Patients often ask me, “When will I be back to normal?” My answer–”Whellll, I don’t know that you ever get back to exactly the way you were before you got pregnant, but you will find your new normal.” With healthy eating and exercise, you can get into great shape after you have a baby. But it takes some time.

Though you can begin some gentle walking fairly soon after delivery, most doctors recommend waiting six weeks before you engage in strenuous activity. Instead of obsessing about your postpartum bodily imperfections, focus on the many unique moments that you will experience while baby is new. Revel in the magic of what your body just created. Be in awe, lean into the marvel, pay attention to all the fleeting moments that will be here one day and gone the next. Everyone is going to tell you how fast your baby will grow, how quickly the days and years fly by. And they are right.

6. Don’t Be Embarrassed

When you have a baby, you have to dig deep. You have to find strength and courage you didn’t know you had. You may temporarily transform from docile and mild mannered into a loud, blunt, primal woman. You may find yourself making guttural noises, yelling profanity, pooping in front of a crowd of strangers. And you will most definitely require many hands touching you and cleaning you up in all your private places. When it’s all said and done, you may default to feeling embarrassed. I’ve often had women say to me, as I am wiping their blood off the floor or helping them change their pad, “Oh that’s so gross, I’m so sorry.” This is my response—

“Please don’t apologize. Women have been helping each other in this way since the beginning of time. Someone helped me when I had my babies and it is my privilege to help you. You just created a human and this is sacred space. There is nothing to apologize about.”

And I mean it.

That said, a “thank you” is always appreciated.

—Teamwork—

1. Everyone–Jump In and Help

I love a hands-on partner. Gone are the days of fathers pacing in the waiting room while baby is being born. Partners–You are in it. You are coaching your significant other through labor and delivery, seeing parts of her body and personality you have never seen before, cutting the cord, changing diapers, doing skin-to-skin with baby, holding, helping make decisions, and setting the tone. Listen to what the medical staff are saying, ask questions, be supportive and helpful, assist with feeding logs and paperwork, and help keep the room tidy. “It’s the little things,” applies to this moment. A partner who is attentive to the little things can help ease the tension in big ways.

Be prepared to feel the exhaustion. Even though you aren’t birthing the baby, you are going to be sleep deprived and emotionally spent. It is a roller coaster for everyone! Get a coffee and put on your game face. A supportive partner with a good sense of humor and a positive attitude who is ready to help can make all the difference.

2. Partners and Visitors–Don’t Use the Bathroom

The bathroom in the hospital room is meant for mom. At any moment, the staff may need to enter the bathroom to retrieve supplies, pour urine from a catheter into the toilet, or take mom to the bathroom. The nurse will not knock on the door and TMI–I have walked in on an unsuspecting dad on the toilet. I can’t unsee it no matter how hard I try. I’ve also had dads set off the fire alarm by taking a long, steamy shower and I’ve walked in the hospital room just as he is walking out of the shower with ‘naught but a towel ‘round his waist. If you must use the bathroom, make it quick and always keep in mind that the nurses and doctors could walk in at any moment. There are bathrooms out in the hall or just outside the unit that are meant for guests. Locate and use them instead.

3. Partners–Don’t Play Video Games

I will never forget the dad who hauled a 48-inch TV and an X-box from the car, up the elevator, into the postpartum room. I had to bite my tongue several times. While this is a glaringly obnoxious (true) example, cell phones make it so we can take our games with us wherever we go now. I also had a dad bring in a remote control car once and he was driving it around the room while I was wiping up his girlfriend’s bloody vagina. C’mon now.

Sure, if labor goes on and on and she has an epidural that makes it so there are several hours of downtime, a game is a good way to pass the time. Just be considerate. Be aware of when she needs you and be there. Fully there–mind, body, and heart.

4. Everyone–Keep Each Other Laughing

As nurses, we are flies on the wall for all types of situations and relationship dynamics. I have observed everything from awkward hostility and abuse to obvious love that is alive and well, and everything in between. Having a baby will stretch your relationships. It will bring out the best and worst in everyone. Whether it is your partner, parents, siblings, or friends, it may hasten an inevitable estrangement because the stress and strain pushes an already fragile relationship over the edge. Life is hard. While parenting is a grand adventure, it is not for the faint of heart. Ideally, you enter parenthood with a healthy, strong, loving, supportive village. Do your best not to take out the sleep deprivation and stress on your loved ones.

I have observed that keeping things light and employing a sense of humor can diffuse a lot of tension and stress. This is good for your relationship and it is good for the baby. I believe newborns are far more perceptive and aware of the feelings and emotions going on around them than most people realize, both during pregnancy and beyond.

Remember high school biology where you learned about the two modes of nervous system operation? There is “fight or flight” and “rest and digest". There are innumerable opportunities to have your nervous system switch to “fight or flight” during pregnancy, labor, delivery, and the newborn stage. But fight or flight stimulates a cascade of stress hormones and chemicals in your body that can stall labor and pushing, create tension with your partner and the medical staff, prevent your milk from letting down while breastfeeding or pumping, make it hard to sleep, and cause all sorts of unhelpful stress that I believe negatively affects everyone, including your newborn. It is important to remember this and try to stay in “rest and digest” as much as possible. A partner, family, and friends who can keep you laughing is an invaluable asset in life, and that is certainly true in this circumstance!

5. Be Flexible

One of my favorite aspects of being a mother/baby/NICU nurse has been teaching first-time parents. It is a humbling, steep learning curve and I get to watch them transform before my very eyes. They usually come in with very specific, rigid plans of how they think it will be: what the birth will be like (all will go according to their plan), how they will parent (perfectly), how their baby will be (perfect), and how the rest of their life will look (all will go perfectly perfect and according to plan). Almost without exception, all of these plans and expectations unravel within hours of birth, if not sooner. The degree of unraveling depends on various factors, including if they had to have an unplanned C-section, how sleep deprived they become, the baby’s temperament, and any unforeseen complications which can range from feeding difficulties to major birth defects. Whatever the first hours and days look like, first time parents quickly learn this life lesson–

Plans change.

It has been my observation that the parents who pick up on this quickly and display flexibility, resilience, and adaptability (all while maintaining a sense of humor) are best able to enjoy the journey. The parents who are inflexible and resistant to accepting that things aren’t going to plan become anxious, irritable, and sad. Petty arguments arise and tempers flare. They miss the beauty of the experience, part of which is the epiphany that they are not in control! My bonus mom taught me this saying–Blessed are the flexible for they shall not get bent out of shape. I have found this to be a good mindset and mantra for life in general.

The only constant is change. Sometimes that change goes as anticipated, sometimes it doesn’t. While I believe in planning ahead and being well prepared, especially when you are expecting a baby, I have learned that life does not always follow the route we lay out. There are just too many wild cards in the mix and that is never more true than when you are having a baby.

I have observed that, when one parent has a perfectionist type personality or is a worrier, having a baby can amplify these qualities. When this is the case, that parent can become hypercritical of their partner, demanding, and demeaning towards family and friends. It seems their partner and families can’t do anything right and they aren’t afraid to point it out, despite the hospital staff being present. I have also observed the worrier type become so obsessed with every sneeze, spit-up, and spot on their baby that they can’t enjoy every perfect fingernail, eyelash, and gassy grimace. If you are a perfectionist or a worrier or (have mercy) both—actively work on this. It is not a healthy dynamic and it will alienate your people including your partner and child.

Adapting, being flexible and resilient, and maintaining a sense of humor are keys to getting off to a good start when you have a baby. And remember, your kiddos are watching and learning from you right from the start. When you display these qualities–adaptability, flexibility, resiliency, and a sense of humor–you are instilling the same qualities in them. Your family and the world will benefit from these qualities for years to come.

As they say, “it's the little things”. There are a million “little things” that make up a child’s life. You are, guaranteed, going to screw some of those things up. You are going to have regrets. If there is one thing the last several years have taught me, it’s that life is about second chances. Every day, every moment, every interaction, every breath is an opportunity to begin again.

You are not going to be perfect. As Ted Lasso says, “be a goldfish.” Try to learn from your mistakes. Give yourself, and everyone around you, a TON of grace. And live, laugh, love your way through every precious moment.

~Melanie

References

Cleveland Clinic. “Why Omega-3s Are Good for You.” Dec 21, 2020.

Glazier MD, Eve. Ko MD, Elizabeth. “Eating healthy fats has many benefits.” UCLA Health. June 15, 2022.

Hjálmarsdóttir, Freydís Guðný. “12 Foods That Are Very High in Omega-3.” Healthline. Jan 26, 2024.

Levant, Beth. “N-3 (Omega-3) Fatty Acids in Postpartum Depression: Implications for Prevention and Treatment.” National Library of Medicine. Oct 27, 2010.

So You’re Having a Baby! Do’s and Don’ts from a Newborn Nurse